“Blahblahblahblah brain cancer blahblahblahblah.”

You know how in the Peanuts cartoons, the adults all talk in nonsensical sounds and the children can understand one another perfectly? I had a moment like that recently.

Because of the feedback that I get in one of my ears when I’m in a large crowd, and because of the whole falling-down-all-the-time nonsense, I made an appointment with a local ENT. He said what I already knew — that the outer and middle ear looked fine — and told me what I kind of expected to hear — that he wanted me to have an MRI to check out the inner ear.

“I’m pretty sure it’ll come back negative… but I want you to have an MRI to rule out cancer.”

In the brain.

And then you pay the cashier, get in your car, and drive home. Right? Awesome?

No, you actually bravely hand over a check (because your insurance is stupid and won’t pay for out-of-state “nonemergency” care), lock yourself in you car, and call your mom … and cry. Yep, I’m 23 and I called my mom crying.

But then you suck it up and drive home because even though the doctor says he’s certain it won’t be cancer, even that’s all you’ve heard, life hasn’t stopped. You still have work and obligations and research due at midnight. You also have people who love you dearly. And if you can hold it together just long enough to get to them, you can get your hug.

But then you decide you don’t want to bug anyone with your problems (MISTAKE. You’re not bugging them!!) and so you take on this burden alone. And that’s how you end up crying in the hallway of your apartment. If you’re dealing with this… don’t try to do it alone.

God is good. God is good. God is good. God is good. God is good. God is good. God is good. God is good. 

I went in for my MRI today, and although I had someone in the waiting room, it was still daunting. Nothing really prepares you for an MRI if you’ve never had one. There’s clanking and banging that, at first, sounds like a really sick beat line for some hip hop music. After two MRIs, though, it’s just annoying. At first I, who hates  hip hop music with a passion, created tunes in my head because my technician didn’t offer to put any music on, but I ended up falling asleep a few times. A) it helped pass the time, and B) I was really, really sleepy. No claustrophobia here!

I guess we’ll see what happens. God is good. I’m just going to keep saying that, because the hope I have in God and the trust I choose to have that He will use this situation for His glory… however that may happen… is the only comforting thing in all of this.

I am scared. God is good.

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